I imagined I would blog throughout my pregnancy and have a cute little tab at the top called "baby" or something for everyone to follow my journey. For quite some time I was obsessed with reading blogs that had the "baby" tab and always imagined the telling of my own story. Well, it's taken about 31 weeks for me to log into my blogger, I guess less considering the first few weeks I had no idea I was pregnant, but I'll get to the telling.
I wish people would talk more about the trying process, because even though like most girls I had the "what if I can't get pregnant" fear, I really thought my body would surprise me. After all, I just spent my entire life trying to NOT get pregnant so i figured it must be something that happens somewhat easily - plus doesn't it for everyone else? I have PCOS so I was on medicine to regulate my hormones along with birth control for a few years. I stopped taking everything when we began trying and figured it would take a couple months for my body to become ready. After one month and one negative pregnancy test, I was semi freaking out and after 3 months I declared myself infertile. After six months and one thousand negative pregnancy tests, we went to a fertility doctor and soon we moved in the doctor's office because, why bother commuting when you're just always there.
During this time I stopped running because I was afraid that was the cause of this dreadful delay in my life plan and then I went back to yoga. My heart fell perfectly in love with it again and I finally had something to take my focus off of the lack of baby situation. I told my teacher that I was trying and we had a few conversations about maybe stopping the medicine and just letting things be, but I was reluctant as I knew I was not going to be the person who got pregnant by NOT trying. For months I got more and more into my practice, read books about Ayurveda and taking care of my body, conceiving naturally, and then decided I was ready for a break. I just wanted to focus on my practice and get out of my head because I was driving myself crazy. During the summer we decided to stop trying and maybe after the new year we would look into In Vitro. Or maybe I'd just plan a trip to India. I was so ready for a break.
A couple months following this declaration, after my 8am Whole Foods Grocery shop and one of their crack coffees that had me amped out of my mind, I realized that I was late. I figured it was in my head, that my calculations were wrong, but in the midst of putting away apples and almond milk I found myself in the bathroom once again peeing on a stick. My very last one. I told myself I would not be disappointed that I just needed to get rid of the stupid stick so I could get it out of my mind and get on with my weekend.
I think you know the rest. I became the person who just a year ago I would have thought was the most annoying person in the world.
I really don't like thinking back on this time and I've debated posting about it because it was so stressful and heartbreaking. I feel like a cheater even talking about infertility when I only walked the walk for a year because I know so many sweet women don't end up as lucky as me and because it lasts much longer than a year for so many as well. At the same time, I never wanted to listen to people who told me to just let it happen. It's one of the most annoying and at times insensitive things you can say to someone who is trying to get pregnant, by the way. But I really believe now that I talked my body into not working and added so much stress to my life out of desperation. Sometimes, not always, but sometimes, just letting things be and happen can work. Sometimes a lot of yoga and healthy food can help. And sometimes nothing helps because let's be honest, this life is really out of our control.